(dinner topic is “what did you learn from your mom that you want to teach your own kids”) Faitha: I want 3 kids so I can say there is no I in team but there are 3 U’s in Shut the Fuck Up Anna: I want to adopt, so I can be one of the […]
Faitha: I won a bunch of free stuff at the singing competition. I almost won the skate deck, but this boy beat me! Me: did you roundhouse kick him in the head? Faitha: No. Sierra: WHAT IS THE POINT IN YOU KNOWING KARATE THEN? ….. I laughed way more than was proper.
Faitha: *licks Applesauce’s face* Me: uh. Why are you licking the dog? Faitha: she licks us… Me: But you don’t have fleas. Faitha *slowly leans down, licks the dog’s face again while watching my face for reaction* … I got nothin.
Me: What does it mean that I have 18 pairs of fishnet stockings and not 1 single pair of pantyhose? Family: …*silence*… Faitha: It means you’re CLASSY! Family: …*laughs loud enough to startle the dog*… Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Me: time to get up! We have to be on top of the hill in an hour. Faitha: I’m trying to but I need motivated Me: What will motivate you? Faitha: I don’t know. Me: Hot breakfast? Faitha: No Me: Driving to the top of the hill in the van? (She got her permit Thursday) […]
Me: *sniffle* Mark: baby, is there anything I can do to help? Me: not really. If there is a cure for stupidity, I’m certain you don’t have it. Mark: *stunned silence* Me: *snort* I’m brilliant even when I’m upset.
Voicemail from my mother “I know you aren’t speaking to me, but Uncle Junior just died.” Me calling Uncle Phil: “Is there anything I can do? Do you need anything? Can I help?” Uncle Phil: “How did you already know? He’s still laying here in the floor.”
Sierra: “I wonder why Christmas Trees are colored green? … Oh … wait… it’s because they’re TREES! AWESOME. I know how trees work!” …. AP Physics student… doesn’t know why trees are green without having to think about it deeply…
Text message just received from Sierra: I really need to get better at talking under my breath. I made a girl feel bad because I corrected her work and she said “you know what I meant” and I mumbled “you’re still wrong” but everybody heard me and now everyone is looking at me like I’m […]
I told Faitha she could ride up to Alchemy with me tomorrow, missing 3 days of school this week, if all of her teachers sent me a note in writing saying she would be able to make up her work without penalty. Not gonna happen for a 9th grader who wants to go play in […]